I’m really stupid. REALLY

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Why am I so good in making stupid decision? I hate my life. I hate myself. Hopefully, I’m going to graduate this March and as a senior, I want to make this year memorable. But it seems that every time I saw ex-best friends, (but we’re still friends) I really want to approach her and just talk to her like we always did before. Right, I’m not one of her best anymore. She doesn’t care anymore. Well, maybe because of a certain someone. AND I CHOOSE THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE. 

Sometimes, I say to myself why didn’t I choose her. Whenever I see her happy, I feel angry, I feel sad, and I feel envious. Whenever I’m with her, I feel like it’s okay to who am I. But reality says that I shouldn’t be with her. I shouldn’t. My mind and feelings are all mixed up. We ain’t close anymore since we were still juniors so I guess she has a lot of friends now. Actually, when I’m with her and her other friends talks to her also, I feel like I’m out of this world. I just want to get drunk for once just to get rid of it. 

For now, being with my other friends makes me also feel happy. Even though they’re not my best friends or whatsoever, they’re still there to make feel like before. I’m still thankful to them, REALLY. Especially to my friend, Fly and Penny. (it ain’t actually their real names, those names just represent them) Fly really knows who am I because we’re on the same boat. She knows me  and I know her very well. She can actually read my mind based on my expression and she’s the only one who can. That’s why she’s SPECIAL.

We also share secrets that my best friend doesn’t know. (kekekeke) And by the way, she’s one of the person I can really trust when it comes to secret. As for Penny, she’s also like Fly. She’s someone you can also rely on. When it also comes to secrets, I also tell her my opinions and  thoughts since she’s a good listener and quite discipline. We’ve been friends since we we’re still grade school so I can say that we really get along. 

That certain someone I choose. She’s really a very very good friend. Sometimes, I get mad to her cause of her attitude but only for awhile. And for the fact that I cannot hate her. lol cause she’s my best friend. If I recall, she’s actually the second girl I’ve talked to since I came in La Salle Academy (which currently I’m studying to) So yeah, I’ve known her since we were still freshmen. But at that time, we aren’t that close cause I also have a close friend from other school that became my classmate in our school. Ah! YES. We got close during sophomores.

I cannot return to the past and do what I gotta do now. I should stop being childish and be more mature now. Maybe in that way I can say that “The less you care, the happier you are” If I can be mature, I would have live to the fullest now. rolf.

Anyway, I WILL GRADUATE. AFTER THAT, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. 

Wrist problem.

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Ugh. Damn my life. I hate it. I hate how I THINK. I know.. I know.. I hate it everytime I feel angry because I cursed my family and I know it’s bad. (Like for example, they shouted at me which I really dislike and then it makes me mad that I wanted to kill them literally.) I think I really am crazy.

All this time, I think I’m crazy. I think it all started when my mom died. (I started to cut my wrist. And God, it’s really awesome cause I can see blood on my wrist. It literally makes me high. Since I’m still alive, I consider myself as a PRO.) Everytime I’m alone or depressed, I cut my wrist for fun or because I’m bored.  Right now, I just cut my wrist. But it seems.. I went overboard. It does hurt a lil’ bit but I’m fine. I almost wanted to kill my sister because he’s the reason for this one

Lazy attitude.

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Ohgod. I hate this part of me. Whenever I feel cold, I tend to act like I don’t want to go to school because I’m sick. (which is a big lie) I start to make excuses to my dad which they thought was true. And.. I THINK MY GRADES ARE GOING DOWN BECAUSE OF THIS! -_- I know, this sucks.

And to think that I’m actually a graduating student. It’s just that, I can’t helped it. What am I going to do? I know that already in the first place, but still I DID IT. I can’t believe this is happening. I wanna graduate, and I want a good future. I can’t even catched up with my subjects ( Physics and Calculus )

So, what should I do now?!  >______<